LEAVING LAS VEGAS

So I lost $120 Wednesday night when I called someone's all in preflop with my suited A-8 in a 2-4 no-limit game -- he barely had me covered. I stuck around a while for scouting and conversation -- then I drove away. When I was driving away, some guy outside having a smoke called my car unstylish.
"Unstylish" was the word.
That was low. But stylishly low. After thinking about it, it's hard for me to imagine a sharper insult. Then I started wondering about the notion of stylishness -- as it applies to leaving poker -- and the hierarchy involved. Here are nine ways to leave poker -- in ascending order of style:
WALKING
And probably walking home early. Making an appearance at poker without mechanized transportation away from it -- that's only stylish for whores, transients, and the Divine.
HORSE
You should never fear a man who leaves a poker game on horseback. Prima facie, it seems stylish, but unless the game is held in a roadless wilderness, he's likely just a poser.
TASTELESS SPORTS-COUPE
No explaining needed.
4-DOOR ECONO CAR
That's how I usually leave. Nothing special, but good enough for me.
TASTEFUL SPORTS-COUPE
Kaufman-aggressive is my chosen style, as I've said before, and I've only met one other guy who plays a more refined Kaufman-aggressive game than I do. I took a few bucks from him in a limit game, but when he left in a shiny black Miata convertible, it felt like he was the one who went out ahead.
SEDAN (mercury, buick, etc.)
He folds his A-8. His style is superior to that of any sports-coupe driver, and if you have to wonder why, then you probably aren't reading this.
HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE
It's natural to wonder why this method is more stylish than leaving on horseback. It's because there are several horses involved, and a waiting coachman. Ironically, I think the stylishness would increase if the horses and reigns were different colors -- horses and reigns off-suit -- it's tough to explain why.
RAT-DRAWN CARRIAGE
When a rat-drawn carriage pulls up to transport your opponent away from the poker room, it's a good bet that he's taken most of your money. And since being animal-friendly is stylish in contemporary culture, burdening beasts of burden and horse-drawn carriages are a bit gauche -- especially considering the increased awareness of horse abuse after the Eight Bells death. We wouldn't cry if mice die.
TAXICAB
This is the most stylish way to leave poker. Stu Ungar did it always. Leaving a poker room in a cab shows planning. More importantly, it shows that he has left with money -- and with the luxury of not having to drive. No combination of stylishness is more potent than planning, money, and luxury. Leaving by taxi still maintains the mysterious air of one who leaves by rat-drawn carriage -- but with added understatement and subtlety.

BUSINESS

Smart business...slowing the gas at about 40 cents before the cut off...even better is automatically stopping it then... The consumer should pay attention. I wonder how many people don't.
Bad business... Last night I was caught off-guard and I needed running tens to beat a set of queens.
Lucky business...Well, I got them. It was great.
"It looks like magic, but it's just an illusion. I used to play for the Globetrotters, so I have practice. It's not about the money," I lied.
"Globetrotters? That's strange -- you don't seem like a New Yorker."
Sad business... So, her owner and trainer were sad about Eight Belles breaking her bones and being euthanized after finishing second in the Kentucky derby. I wonder how much sadder they'd be if the horse went to the ground a few seconds earlier -- without finishing in the money. Much sadder, probably. So, that was at least a little about the money.

THE WORLDWIDE LEADER IN ART

"Don't you ever watch anything but sports," I was asked by a player who shows up to my game all the time.
I don't like sitcoms -- I can't stand reality TV and voting people off things. I don't watch the news. I watch ESPN, only. At one point I had a physical addiction to Mike & Mike, First Take, and the daytime lineup. And I get all my news from Sportscenter.
A while back, some Sportscenter analyst said it was ridiculous for the ballpark not to sell out the game when griffey was at 599 homeruns. But he's the one who's ridiculous. Why would anyone take a family to a major league baseball game? What would be the point -- its just a waste of hundreds of dollars. It's more fun to go to a minor league game -- more cost effective, too. He's completely out of touch. And if I did, for some reason, pay a lot to watch a major league game, I doubt it would be the Cincinnati Reds.
So I haven't looked at that analyst the same way since. I follow sports news developments the way old housewives follow soap operas. The sportscasters are just part of the cast of characters.
Big Brown didn't win the triple crown, and that same analyst said that America needed a triple crown winner in this time of economic and social strife, so that the country could come together and rally around something. That's -- there's nothing I can add to that. Whatever.
So there's a lot that I love to hate about the shows -- and I love to hate certain TV personalities. But the real reason I like to watch sports is the purity and honesty of the content -- and the tightness of the paradigm. There's something profoundly wholesome about sitting through an Ultimate Fighting event. Nothing happens that I don't understand. The framework is all there, and that makes all sporting events good art, because framework is the most important part of art.
I'm not really a sports nut. I'm an art lover. So when I watch ESPN Classic, I'm an art historian, which is one of the most fulfilling things to do in life that doesn't involve jazz piano or the military.
That player needs to concentrate more on the cards and less on what I watch on TV. So do I.

POKER HAIKU #15

Sam came to our game --
But then he moved to Quebec --
Poker without Sam.

PROPAGANDA

It was my goal never post a hand analysis -- that my poker blog would be above that sort of thing -- but I've decided to do that now.
It was the final stages of a $40 buy-in freeze-out -- four players left with one out of the money. I'm big blind and I pick-up A-J off, I had a feeling that if I moved all in, the guy who made the baby bump would fold and the big stack woman who just called would call my all-in with a lesser hand.
"You don't believe in the moon landing, do you?"
"What?"
"You know that the moon mission and the whole latter stages of the Apollo program were just theater and propaganda -- meant to inspire patriotism in a time of intense political tension."
"Are you serious," she asked.
Of course I wasn't serious. That statement ranks very low on the list of things I'm ever likely to say with sincerity. It's way down below statements like "That darn genie only gave me two wishes," and "Fire torpedo number nine, Your Holiness."
"Yes, I'm serious. You need to save yourself some chips. I'm all-in."
I was right. He folded and she called with As-9s. She caught her 9 on the turn, and I finished -- yet again -- on the bubble.