POKER HAIKU #17

This is the last one --

The final poker haiku --

They have jumped the shark.

FACE CARD

There are some players that you make money playing with. Then there are . . .
Some you enjoy --

Some you learn from -- And some who are just there.
And then there are players that I can't talk about

-- it'd be a big tell.

THE NUTS

I'm sitting here at this 1-2 no-limit cash table, and it's a battle of the blinds pre-flop. I call, and the big blind checks.
The flop is 2-4-6 rainbow.
How do you judge the quality of a home game? How can you determine if one scene is better or worse than another? It isn't by the caliber of the players -- some of the most enjoyable poker takes place in front of donks. It isn't by the supplies -- I've had a lot of fun betting with thin plastic chips.
You can tell the most about a home game by looking at the attitude of the staff assisting with it.
There's a woman in the corner by the large potted plant. She's the bartender. She gives massages for tips. She has a thin build with shoulder-length brunette hair and a calm, intelligent demeanor. She's wearing one of those torn-cloth, bohemian skirts that were really popular in Europe in the early part of the decade. She's the type of woman that might ask you something about art history and make you nervous.
The turn is the ace of spades.
She just sits there in the corner with her legs crossed and one foot in the air, kicking to the music in tempo -- perfectly.
It's the ace of diamonds on the river.
"See the woman serving drinks?" big blind asked.
"Yeah."
"We're moving to Italy on Thursday. Her parents are buying us a villa."
That's when I knew he thought like me.
"All in," I declared.

OWNERSHIP

The poster in the video store tells me that I can "own No Country for Old Men for just $14.95".
What makes us human? The ability to create and appreciate art. That's the best answer I know of. But a good argument can be made that the defining human characteristic is the ability to appreciate and seek ownership of art.
And before I get too frustrated with that notion, I look in the mirror.
You know why I love golf? It isn't the exercise -- you get to burn more calories in almost any other sport. It's not the players you meet -- amateur golf is filled with world-class jackasses -- it isn't the convenience -- golf is time consuming and expensive.
I love golf because it's the only sport where you have total ownership of the ball. Total ownership -- and whatever control there is doesn't belong to any opponent.
Your golfball is all your own -- all the time.
That's profoundly satisfying.

EL PATO

Never bet against the duck. Even when you think you might win, never bet against the duck -- even if it seems to be a sure thing, never bet against the duck. You can't clean your ball when it's on the fairway, Kenny Perry -- ain't that a shame. It doesn't matter if you're the most qualified to win, you didn't beat the duck. Even on a proposition for the duck to waddle down the fairway and win the Masters, never ever bet against the duck. I don't care what Sergio Garcia thinks is fair and unfair, he didn't beat the duck. You can call the duck ungraceful -- but nobody beat the duck on this day. They call the duck lucky -- a non-English speaking lucky ducky -- but nobody beat the duck today in Georgia -- the day of Angel Cabrera -- the Day of the Duck.

R.C. FOWLERS

I pulled up to Fowlers for a TFPL freeroll, where I've never had much luck. The payout is winner-take-all $1 per player, which usually amounts to about $50 on a good night, and I've managed to take it down only once or twice in the three or four years I've been going there.
At about 10:00 the karaoke starts and players can sign up and sing for a few thousasnd bonus chips, with me always going for non-standard songs from standard artists, and a poker director who always starts the game off with bar-supporting encouragement like "be sure to take care of your waitress -- she has six children at home alone tonight," or "help out our waiter -- he needs to make bail for his girlfriend."
I go to Fowlers on Mondays because it's right down the road from the four corners Starbucks -- the only place in Austin where you can find tight ska, smart women, hot sweet raspberry tea, and convenient parking -- its almost like civilization. I got there a little before the 6:15 tournament tonight, sat outside with my fourth or fifth tea of the day and caught up on a little ESPN mobile.
Walking in from the back deck, just as most people have been seated, a bunch of more or less familiar faces, some poker players, some folks impersonating poker players, the waiter who always remembers everyone's name leans over and and asks if I want a refill, and since I can never have enough good strong tea . . .
The host interrupts, "Be sure to tip Chad well -- his third male enhancement surgery is tomorrow, and this one is not -- I repeat NOT -- covered by insurance."
Livin' the dream.

THE EASTER PARADE

.It's the start of Easter weekend, on a day cloudier than the weather channel said it would be, listening to the flow of the Masters on the radio, going to stock up on supplies, riding through the HEB parking lot, driven by a man who was apparently raised by dingos.
Growing up, I was made to read three books a week from the library -- and write a report about them for my parents to read, and to some extent verify, and I did that for years, because they kept me away from school until I was 13, and I had to do something in the manner of book learnin', they figured, giving me a stylish liberal education which I was thankful for -- a thanks which grows more profound with each passing day -- and one of those books was Winning Through Intimidation by Robert J. Ringer -- and one of his main ideas is that everyone is out to take all your chips and you should be out to take theirs, but it's good to be sly about it and choose your battles, because if you're serious about never taking any kind of bullshit from anyone at any time, then you'll likely be dead or in jail because of it -- and possibly both.
That's a valuable lesson. The driver should have learned it by now -- he's older than I am -- he responded to the following question incorrectly.
When a woman walks in front of your car moving through the grocery store parking lot, you should
A. Lay on the horn until she moves.

B. Yell "move!!" out the window.

C. Both A and B.

D. Wait for her.
His answer was C.
Mine is D, anad I hope yours is, too.

The Boston townies has a useful communication skill, involving the use of "wicked" as an adverb. They can differentiate with surprising precision among statements like "That's a rather big basket of eggs" and "That's a big basket of eggs" and "That's a very big basket of eggs" and "That's a wicked big basket of eggs."
"You're wicked rude," I said.

GREG NORMAN

I just finished watching the Wednesday pre-Masters par-3 contest. My favorite part was when Greg Norman made the ace on #6.

He's famous for taking a six-shot lead into the final round in 1996 and then choking to let Nick Faldo win his third Masters. Greg Norman managed to get invited this year because he made second or third in last year's British Open -- he choked in that one too, letting Paddy Harrington take it. I wonder how he'll do this weekend.

I remember watching him being interviewed in 1996 right after he lost. He said something to the effect of, "oh, well -- my life will go on." And it did. $$he got into the golf course design $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ business and $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ has his own brand of turfgrass$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and several $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ real $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ estate $$$$$$$$$ developments $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and wine producing $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ land in $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Australia $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$and $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ endorsements $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and golf equipment lines $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ the $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ man $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$has $$$$$$$ made $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ so $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ much $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ money.

Here's a perspective of how much money:

Tiger Woods has won about 80 million in total prize money over the years. Greg Norman paid that for a boat.

And he got to marry Chris Evert Lloyd.

He is my hero.