UNDERSTANDING NEW YEAR'S EVE

"You're going to Houston to watch them play?"
Yes, Kim -- I'd go see them play anywhere if I could. I'd watch them play anything. I'd pay good money to hear them do Christian waltzes -- it doesn't matter -- they're that important of a band to me -- so I will not be going skiing in Colorado.
Have fun.
Now I could understand her frustration -- that's not saying much -- most anything is understandable -- there are only eight things that I don't understand:
Lettuce
Marriage
High-maintenance dogs
Belly-putters
Those swiss-cheese shoes
Lane Kiffen
Marijuana
Wrist watches
That's about it -- so I can understand Kim. And eventually she'll have to accept my Houston plans, and she will come to understand me -- the way that little 7-year-old kid learned to understand that foul ball that almost hit us at the baseball game last week: He asked me to see it, and he held it, and he looked at it, closely -- turning it around and around -- and whatever he discovered, he came to understand at least one thing: It wasn't his.
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RULES

Two golfers were somewhere in Britain -- not too long ago --playing a match for some huge amount of money, and on the first green one marked his ball with a coin -- just like normal -- and the other one said that disqualified him -- referencing an archaic local club rule from the 18th century forbidding money on the golf course. The penalty for having money on the course was forfeiture of any match being played. Oh well. So the next time they played, the loser of the first match got revenge -- he carried his own clubs that day. He found an old rule that a player may not use an animal for a caddy -- and the other player had to forfeit the match because his human caddy was technically an "animal".
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THE CONTEST

Two fat women who don't really know each other -- with one little dog, each -- sharing a table on the Starbucks deck. I pick up bits and pieces of their conversation.
"How many?"
"I don't know. About a dozen."
I can't emphasize enough how small the dogs are. One could comfortably fit in a shot glass -- the other would have plenty of playroom in a thimble.
"Wow. Where do you keep them all."
"Here and there."
It was mind-numbing stuff -- complete with complicated coffee.
"Well I've only sold a few."
"Oh."
An important thing to know about the contest is that it was very close -- and, even more importantly, that it didn't end in a tie. Even though the winner was unannounced, they both knew who it was -- with absolutely cogent certainty.
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ETHICS

Al Davis is weird.
Al Davis isn't known for trying hard to play well with others.
But Al Davis is an honorable old-school dude. I know one when I see one. Al Davis is not a liar, and when Al Davis questions your character, then you have probably done something very, very bad.
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TASTE

"Turn off the TV," Kim said. "Haven't you had enough of baseball?"
But I haven't had enough of baseball. I have a mad fondness for ESPN. There are only three things that'll make me turn off the ESPN.
Softball
Charity donation ads
Competitive eating
That's all I can think of -- so I'll keep the baseball on. A few months ago, I even sat through a softball game because all the women stuck in the dugout started doing their call/response shouting together -- stuff like:
This slice of pizza is so uncool!
Is the pizza old?
No, fool!
Is the pizza cold?
No, it's hot!
Just how hot?
Wicked hot!
Hot like what?
Hot like Shannon!
Shannon at the bat!
Shannon at the plate!
Hotter than pizza!
Hotter than the sun!
SHANNON DON'T WAIT!
HIT A HOME RUN!
GO, SHANNON -- GO GO GO!!
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REJECTION ON SLAUGHTER LANE

She was walking east, and I was walking west.
She had a bunch of jewelry, sunglasses, a short dress, and a miniature poodle.
And just when the three of us came within about five feet, the little bitch peered up at me and started growling.
"Come here, Alexa -- stop," she said.
Have you ever read Pride and Prejudice? One of the great things about it is the honesty of the women. It's all about how much money the bachelors have.
They make that perfectly clear.
Keeping that same spirit of Jane Austen, I'll be clear, too: A woman's ownership of a high-maintenance dog is a fundamental turn-off for me. Alexa and I wouldn't be good together.
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U READ 2 MUCH UR STRANGE

I just got that text from Kim.
Well, I am strange. Here are 18 strange things about me:
1. I make my best effort to use standard English when texting -- just to be original.
2. I judge other people by how they text.
3. And how they talk with me.
4. And sometimes I tell them -- just to see how they respond to that.
5. And I pay attention to how much sense people make.
6. I'm disinterested by folks who can't carry on a good conversation with me -- I don't usually play with them. Not out of arrogance; it's just simple disinterest.
7. I read and write for fun.
8. I read a lot of writers that most people have never heard of.
9. And reread them.
10. And take notes on the stuff.
11. I read what other people have written about them.
12. I go to lectures to hear people talk about them.
13. I go to meetings with people who do the same thing -- and we have long discussions about what we've read and heard.
14. Over Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor, occasionally
15. On Tuesday afternoons, sometimes.
16. When someone somewhere happens to mention the name of one of those writers, I say "Who's that?" and ask them to send me a text about what they wrote -- immediately -- that's 140 characters or less, buddy -- and make it good, because it's a test.
17. And I wait for the text.
18. And that's no joke.
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BIG METAL BROTHER

So why does the automatic toll booth camera photograph my car AFTER I feed the change machine instead of before?
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THE DEFINITION OF CLUTCH

So far this season, Albert Puhols has seen 22 pitches with the bases loaded. He has swung and missed at 2 of them, and he has hit grand slams on 5 others -- making him two-and-a-half times as likely to hit a grand slam as he is to swing and miss in that situation.
That is clutch.
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